Lady Azhriaz

"Top of the day to you, let me crave your indulgence to introduce my self to you."

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 08:52:43 -0400

“Top of the day to you, let me crave your indulgence to introduce my self to you.”

- spam email

"Are you stressed? Are you so busy getting to the future that the present is reduced to a means of..."

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 22:55:06 -0400

“Are you stressed? Are you so busy getting to the future that the present is reduced to a means of getting there? Stress is caused by being “here” but wanting to be “there,” or being in the present but wanting to be in the future.”

- Eckhart Tolle

Marauding ants in Texas causing IT havoc

Tue, 20 May 2008 09:20:40 -0400

A flood of voracious ants is heading straight for Houston, taking out computers, radios and even vehicles in their path.

Even the Johnson Space Center has called in extermination experts to keep the pests out of their sensitive and critical systems.

The ants have been causing all kinds of trouble in five Texas counties in and around the Gulf Coast. Because of their sheer numbers, the ants are short circuiting computers in homes and offices, and knocking systems offline in major businesses. When IT personnel pry the affected computers open, they find the machines loaded with thousands of ant bodies.

“These ants are raising havoc,” said Roger Gold, professor of entomology at Texas A&M University in College Station. “They’re foraging for food and they’ll go into any space looking for it. In the process, they make their way into sensitive equipment.”

The ants have been dubbed Crazy Rasberry ants after Tom Rasberry, owner of Budget Pest Control in Pearland, Texas. He first tackled this particular type of ant back in 2002. Since then, the problem has only escalated.

Rasberry said the ants have caused a lot of trouble for one Texas chemical company in particular. Not wanting to name the company, he said the ants shorted out three different computers that were running a pipeline that brought chemicals into the plant. The ants took down two computers last year and one in 2006, affecting flow in the pipeline each time.

“I think they go into everything and they don’t follow any kind of structured line,” said Rasberry. “If you open a computer, you would find a cluster of ants on the motherboard and all over. You’d get 3,000 or 4,000 ants inside and they create arcs. They’ll wipe out any computer.”

The Johnson Space Center called in Rasberry a month or two ago in an attempt to keep the ants out of their facilities. Too late. Raspberry said he’s found three colonies at the NASA site, but all have been small enough to control.

‘With the computer systems they have in there, it could devastate the facility,” said Rasberry. “If these ants got into the facility in the numbers they have in other locations, well, it would be awful. I’ve been in this business for 32 years and this is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Anything. When you bring in entomologists from all over the United States and they’re in shock and awe, that shows you what it’s like.”

The Johnson Space Center referred all questions about the ants to Rasberry.

The ants, which are tiny and reddish, aren’t native to Texas. Officials believe they came off a ship from the Caribbean, said Paul Nester, a program specialist with the Texas AgriLife Extension Service. They were first spotted about six years ago. Gold said in the last few years they’ve spread in a radius of about 50 miles. And now they’re moving into Houston, the fourth-largest city in the country.

“Fifty miles might not seem like a lot until you realize they’re moving into Houston,” said Gold. “It could really affect a lot of people’s lives.”

A big problem here, noted Nester, is how quickly their numbers are multiplying.

A queen fire ant, long a problem in Texas, can lay as many as 1,000 eggs a day, he said. The Crazy Rasberry ants are thought to be as prolific. However, an ant mound normally has one queen. The new ants have many queens so they’re able to multiply their ranks that much more quickly. They also don’t go to the trouble of building ant hills. They simply nest under anything they can find — a log, a tire or a pet’s water bowl — and then they quickly move on as they spread further into the state.

Nester said the ants swarmed into trucks at a shipping company, shorting out the radios and even the vehicles themselves.

Gold said the ants got into an engine compartment at a sewage treatment plant and shorted out the pumps so they couldn’t move the sewage out. He added that they’ve also overrun a subdivision and caused a lot of electrical damage to houses there.

Part of the problem is that exterminators have found it nearly impossible to kill the ants. Oh, you can kill some of them - the first wave, maybe. However, there are so many more ants coming behind them, that the first wave falls dead in the insecticide and the subsequent waves merely walk on the dead bodies, keeping themselves out of the poison and safe from harm.

Gold warned people not to spray pesticide inside their computers and to simply call in the professionals to prevent mixing up poisonous concoctions or storing the potentially harmful partly used insecticides.

http://www.itbusiness.ca/it/client/en/CDN/News.asp?id=48425

The REAL reason behind your success -- or lack thereof

Tue, 20 May 2008 09:12:00 -0400

Think about this: playing professional sports is an intensely physical challenge; yet almost every athlete has a coach and attributes mental training as a critical key to their success.

Although it would be natural to assume that an athlete with superior physical attributes would be the obvious winner, the truth is that it takes far more to win than brute strength or raw skill. Think about the competition at the pro level of any sport. The skill and determination of the competition is simply awesome. In addition to facing fierce competition, these athletes have to perform in high-pressure, winner takes all situations with hundreds of thousands of people watching and the clock ticking. If they were not able to master their emotions and condition themselves to stay calm and focused in those conditions, they would literally fall apart and miss the goal or drop the ball. They have been able to master themselves, their thoughts, and their belief systems to guarantee maximum performance in even the most difficult circumstances. They HAVE to believe they CAN make that shot or that they CAN make that play. If they step onto the field with fear and uncertainty, or the belief that they are outclassed, they are dead on arrival.

The same holds true in business. YOUR belief systems are the foundation for YOUR success in marketing and all other aspects of achieving success, attracting new clients, and generating revenue; and the more I coach business owners in this area, the more I’m convinced of that.

I’ve had the unique opportunity to intimately study hundreds of small VARs and technology consulting businesses and by and large, they are all the same. They are selling the same services, to the same people, with the same vendors, in the same economy, and recruiting from the same pool of people. They all want to find new clients and they all want to make more money. Nothing new.

What’s interesting is that there are a few that are FAR MORE successful than others. Going back to the earlier sports analogy, you would think that these multi-million dollar successes would have some type of business advantage that has enabled them to succeed while other companies in the EXACT SAME MARKET are struggling to get by. And the truth is, they actually DO have an advantage, but it’s not the advantage that most people would think. It’s not a better product or a more dedicated staff. It almost always comes down to a belief that they can and will achieve extraordinary success REGARDLESS of the difficulties and challenges standing in their way. Instead of making excuses, they make plans. Instead of finding reasons why they can’t get something done, they go to work to make it happen. In other words, they get rid of their “loser’s limp”.

When a person allows himself to indulge in victim thinking, which is blaming everyone and everything BUT himself for his failures and shortcomings, he often develops what is known as the loser’s limp. Maybe you’ve seen this happen at a sports event. A player comes up against a formidable opponent and is emotionally “sold” that he will not be able to defeat this opponent.

Suddenly and for no apparent reason, the player develops a limp and acts injured giving him an out or a reason for losing OUTSIDE of his control. Of course he couldn’t defeat his opponent…he’s injured. That’s a loser’s limp. In life and in business, many people often give themselves a case of the losers limp so they can off-load the responsibility for winning.

A typical loser’s limp is “I just don’t have the time to work on marketing,” or “My customers are all too cheap and would never buy those services,” or “My business/clients/town are different.” Ask a sales person why they didn’t make their numbers this month and you’ll almost always hear a loser’s limp: It’s the holidays so no one’s buying or making a decision right now. Our prices are too high. No one wants to spend money on (fill in the blank) right now. Reason after reason why it can’t be done.

Aside from the obvious, this kind of thinking is extremely toxic. If you continue to believe that your success is based on some kind of outside factor, and you constantly TELL YOURSELF this, you are putting the final nail in your coffin and you will never achieve anything. The minute you off-load the responsibility for your success onto some outside factor is the minute you give up control of your life and your destiny.

Some people blame their parents, their lack of money, lack of education, background, and skin color. Some say they are too old, too fat, or too short. I remember attending a meeting of the Women’s Business Owners Association in Nashville nce. The entire premise of the meeting was that “we girls” needed to stick together because all of the evil men (who apparently rule the earth) were out to get us. I left at the first break before I could get infected with their negativity.

You’ll notice that when someone talks about their success, they never say, “I’m a success because my customers are easy to sell to,” or “I’m rich because my customers practically throw their money at my feet!” When they have success, they’ll say they worked hard, stayed focused and found ways to overcome the same obstacles we all face as business owners.

The world is full of people who believe that if they just had more time, or if they just had more money, or if they just had the education or talent or ability of these “other” successful people, they would be able to achieve more. Who are they kidding? If they had the ability and talent of the other people, they would do exactly what they are doing right now…nothing.

If you won’t do anything with the ability that you have right now, you certainly wouldn’t do anything different if you were magically blessed with someone else’s ability either. You have a choice: you can either spend all of your time making excuses as to why you can’t achieve what you want, or you can stop kidding yourself and get busy making it happen. You already have all of the ability you are ever going to have. What you make of it comes down to choice and dedication.

The key point to remember is that you have the power of CHOICE, and it is an awesome responsibility. You can CHOOSE to continue doing what you’ve always done and CHOOSE to believe that you just can’t get rich (or whatever goal you are after), or you can CHOOSE to try a different path. Most people choose to cling to broken business models, bad habits, and ineffective systems, all the while complaining that they can’t seem to get ahead. The truth is, for every handicap, obstacle, and tragedy, there are only two stories: the winner who takes charge and turns the situation around, or the broken-down loser that gives up and settles for whatever life handed them. Each one of us has the choice of which story ours will be.

http://www.connectitnews.com/canada/story.cfm?item=5711

15 May, 2008
By Robin Robins, President, Technology Marketing Tool Kit, Inc.

My niece, Margaret Nora

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 11:10:28 -0400

My niece, Margaret Nora

The Incredible Power of Contentment

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 11:06:12 -0400

“If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need.” - Cicero

While many readers have noted my efforts and articles on self-improvement, what I haven’t stressed as much is the beauty of becoming content with what you have and who you already are.

I’m definitely a goal-oriented person — I always have my eye on a goal, whether that’s writing a book, running a marathon, improving my blog, waking early, losing weight, or one of a dozen other goals I’ve had (and usually achieved) in the last couple of years. And once I’ve achieved a goal, I begin looking for another: now that I finished my second marathon, I’m already looking for a third.

So isn’t that a contradiction? Doesn’t that seem to indicate that I’m not content with my life? Not at all. I’m extremely content with my life, with what I have, and with who I am. I have accepted that I am the type of person who will always be striving for a goal, the type of person who enjoys a challenge, and who enjoys the journey. It’s not the goal that matters to me — it’s the journey to get there that is so fun. And I’m content with being that type of person.

So contentment isn’t a matter with being content with your situation in life and never trying to improve it. It’s a matter of being content with what you have — but realizing that as humans, we will always try to improve, no matter how happy we are. If we don’t, we have given up on life.

Today I’d like to discuss contentment, and the amazing things it can do in all aspects of our lives. And then we’ll look at a few tips for getting to contentment.

“Happiness is self-contentedness.” - Aristotle

My Life
I’m going to use my life as an example here, only because I’m more intimately familiar with it than any other life. Looking back, I wasn’t always content. There have been times in my life when I wasn’t happy, when things seemed dismal, when I wish I had more. I wasn’t content with the way things were, and now I know that my outlook on life was a major contributor to my unhappiness.

We choose whether we are happy or unhappy. Read that sentence again if it’s not already something you consciously practice in your daily life. If you’re unhappy with your life right now, I will venture to guess that it’s because you’ve chosen to be unhappy. That sounds harsh, but in my experience it’s completely true. Edit based on reader comments: I cannot speak to whether this concept of happiness applies to everyone — especially clinically depressed or those with similar disorders, people who are starving or homeless, people who have undergone massive tragedies or abuse, or others in such circumstances. However, for most readers, I believe the principles will apply.

You might say, “But my life is crap! Of course I’m going to be unhappy!” And I hear you: I’ve had those times when my job wasn’t going well, when my relationships weren’t going well, when my finances were very bad, when I was overweight, when my life was a mess.

But listen to this: I’ve had those conditions at several points in my life. And sometimes, I was unhappy in those kinds of conditions. And others, I was happy and content. So I’ve come to the conclusion — and it’s proven true time and again — that it’s not the conditions that make me unhappy, but my choice of thoughts, of attitude, of behavior.

What behaviors and thoughts and attitudes were different between my times of unhappiness and happiness? When I was unhappy, I focused on all the bad things in my life. Not only that, but I continually thought about how bad they were, and would complain, and would ask, “Why me?” I would let myself sink into inaction and eventually depression. I would be grumpy and cause those around me to be unhappy. That, in turn, only made the situation worse. It certainly didn’t help my job.

Let’s look at the times of happiness, in contrast: I focused instead on the good things in my life. Because while I had problems at my job and with my relationships and with my finances and health and all that … there were still good things. At least I had a job! At least I had someone who loved me! At least I wasn’t sick! At least I wasn’t bankrupt and homeless! I counted, instead, my blessings. I do this when things aren’t looking so good, and it turns me around.

I had a wife and beautiful children. I had the power to change my job. To simplify my life. To get out of debt. I had my health, even if I was overweight. I lived on a beautiful island with gorgeous beaches and wildlife and greenery. I had family around me who loved me. I had the power of my words, and my books that I loved reading. I had life!

And this outlook on life helped me to be happier. It improved my relationship, because I tried to appreciate my wife. It improved everything around me, in short — and we’ll take a closer look at those things next.

I was happy, despite my conditions, because I chose to be happy. I found contentment in what I already had, instead of wishing I had something else, instead of being discontented with what I had. Contentment not only made me happy, but it transformed my life in many ways. Here’s how.

Happiness
This is perhaps the most obvious area affected on this list, because many people see “contentedness” and “happiness” as one and the same. In many ways, they are, but it’s really a matter of focus. When you’re happy, it’s really a state of being, influenced by a number of factors, including contentedness.

Contentedness, on the other hand, is a matter of being satisfied with what you have. It focuses on what you have and don’t have instead of just being a state of being. It influences happiness. However, you can choose to be content, just as you can choose to be happy, and if you choose to be content, you will be happy.

There are many ways to become happy — you can become happy by doing certain things (running, getting into Flow, sex), you can become happy because you are loved or in love, you can become happy because you just won a competition or a million dollars. Being content is just one way to be happy, but it’s a great way.

Simplicity
Simplicity, of course, means many things to many people, but for me contentedness is at the core of simplicity. It’s about being content with less, with a simpler life, rather than always wanting more, always acquiring more, and never being content.

Simplicity means examining why you want more, and solving that issue at its root. At the root of wanting more is not being content with what you have. Once you’ve learned to be content, you don’t need more. You can stop acquiring, and start enjoying.

Now, I won’t claim to never want stuff. I wanted a Macbook Air and I got it. It’s helping me to write this post and this book right now. (However, in my defense, I waited more than a month before buying it to make sure I needed it.) But while I am not immune to wants, I have learned to catch myself now and then, and to examine why I want something. And then I try to tell myself that I already have everything I could possibly want and need. And that contentedness leads to simplicity.

Finances
Really this is the same as simplicity, but I wanted to show it from a financial angle. The reason we get into financial trouble, oftentimes, is that we buy more than we can afford. And the root of that buying is buying things we want instead of only things we need, and the root of that is not being content with what we already have.

Finding contentment with the stuff you have and with a simpler life can lead to buying less, to buying things we need instead of want, and to only spending what we can afford. I know this first-hand, as uncontrolled spending led to debt for me, and contentedness led to me getting out of debt.

Relationships
Many times it seems that we’re never satisfied with our significant others. They don’t behave how we want them to. That’s often at the root of relationship problems, as many-headed as those problems may seem.

Instead, learn to be content with the person you love, just as they are. This isn’t always easy, as we are usually trained (by our well-intentioned but never-satisfied parents, and others around us) to do just the opposite — to try to change people. However, you will only find trouble if you try to change your significant other. You might get them to change their behavior (but most often not), but they will be unhappy, and in turn the relationship will suffer.

I will admit to having a problem with this at times, but when this happens, I try to remind myself to love my partner as she is, for who she is. She is a beautiful person, just as she is now, and there is absolutely no need to change her. This has always led to a better relationship for me.

Kids
As mentioned above, parents are often not satisfied with their children. They need to be cleaner, better behaved, better in school, more organized and studious, more courteous and kind and compassionate, better groomed and better at sports. Well, that leads to the relationship problems mentioned above, later in the kids’ lives, as they have learned to never be satisfied with others and to try to change them.

It also leads to inferiority complexes in our children, in unhappiness, and in bad relationships with them. Instead, we should learn to love our children unconditionally, to accept them for the people they are, and to let them know this through not only our words but our actions.

Accept children for who they are, and they will be happier, and so will you.

Jobs
Should we be content with our jobs? Well, I won’t say that you should stick with a dead-end job and a boss that treats you like dirt. If you’re unhappy with your job, change it. That’s been my approach and it’s worked for me.

However, I have learned that being a content person in other areas of my life, and being content with my life in general, has generally helped me at any job. Discontented people tend to be complainers, or grumpy, or negative. That leads to problems at the job. People who are content tend not to complain and tend to have a more positive attitude, and in my experience that almost always leads to more opportunities, both within the job (promotions, new projects, etc.) and outside the job (job offers, networking, etc.).

Social change
I’ve heard some writers say that people like me, who preach happiness and contentedness and a positive outlook on life, are teaching people to accept social injustice and not strive for change. I disagree completely, and as someone who would like a freer society than the one in which we currently live, I have given this much thought.

My favorite social disrupter, Gandhi, had two seemingly contradictory quotes on the subject of contentedness. The first: “Man’s happiness really lies in contentment.” And the second: “Healthy discontent is the prelude to progress.”

This might seem confusing until you look at how Gandhi brought about change. He was discontent with the system of oppression in his country, so he sought to change it. However, he was content as a person, with who he was and what he had in his personal life. This inner content allowed him to have the inner power to face (and eventually beat) the very powerful authorities in his country at the time. He could face them because nothing they could do to him could take away his happiness. They could take away all his possessions, throw him in prison, take away even food, and he was content.

He taught his fellow countrymen the same lesson, to make the best of what they had in India (making their own simple clothing, making their own food) instead of wanting the commercial goods from foreign countries. Being content with such simplicity would give them the independence from foreign commercial powers, and eventually (as they are part of the same organism) foreign political powers.

So social change can still happen if you are content with yourself, with your life, but not content with the system of oppression around you. This system, in my opinion, is responsible for holding us down, for the deaths of millions of people in Third World countries … but it isn’t until we learn to be content with what we have, and free ourselves of our dependence on commercial goods, that we will be able to change the system for good.

Getting to Contentment
So if contentedness is so great, how do you get there? That’s not always easy, but here are some things that have worked for me:

Count your blessings. I mentioned this above, and in a previous post, but for me it’s the best way to get to contentment. When you find yourself unhappy with something, or with what you don’t have, take a moment to count all the good things in your life. And I would bet there are many. It puts the focus on what you do have rather than what you don’t.
Stop, and remind yourself. When you find yourself unhappy with someone, or trying to change them, stop yourself. Take a deep breath, and remind yourself that you should try to be happy with that person for who he/she is. Take a moment to think about the good things about that person, the reasons you love that person. Then accept their faults as part of their entire package.
Stop, and consider why you want something. When you feel the urge to buy something, think about whether it’s a need or a want. If it’s a want, take a pause. It’s good to wait 30 days — keep a 30-day list … when you want something, put it on the list with the date, and if you still want it in 30 days, you can buy it). Consider why you want something. Are you not content with what you already have? Why not?
Take time to appreciate your life! I like to reflect on my life, and all the good things in it, on a regular basis. I do this when I run, or when I watch the sunset or sunrise, or when I’m out in nature. Another great method is a morning gratitude session — think of all the things and people you’re thankful for, and thank them silently.
Show people you appreciate them. It’s good to appreciate people, but it’s even better to show them. Give them a hug, smile, spend time with them, thank them out loud, thank them publicly.
Breathe, and smile. Once again, advice from one of my favorite monks, but it works in this context. Sometimes when we take the time to breathe, and smile, it can change our outlook on life.
Learn to enjoy the simple things. Instead of wanting to buy expensive things, and spend money on doing things like eating out or entertainment, learn to enjoy stuff that’s free. Conversations and walks with other people. Spending time outdoors. Watching a DVD or playing board games. Going to the beach. Playing sports. Running. These things don’t cost much, and they are awesome.

“God’s gifts put man’s best dreams to shame.” - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

http://zenhabits.net/2008/04/the-incredible-power-of-contentment/

What is my true purpose in life?

Fri, 04 Apr 2008 09:40:20 -0400

I can’t remember where I got this, but I had to share anyways:

So how to discover your purpose in life? While there are many ways to do this, some of them fairly involved, here is one of the simplest that anyone can do. The more open you are to this process, and the more you expect it to work, the faster it will work for you. But not being open to it or having doubts about it or thinking it’s an entirely idiotic and meaningless waste of time won’t prevent it from working as long as you stick with it — again, it will just take longer to converge.

Here’s what to do:

Take out a blank sheet of paper or open up a word processor where you can type (I prefer the latter because it’s faster).
Write at the top, “What is my true purpose in life?”
Write an answer (any answer) that pops into your head. It doesn’t have to be a complete sentence. A short phrase is fine.
Repeat step 3 until you write the answer that makes you cry. This is your purpose.

“What is my true purpose in life?”

"Do not confuse “duty” with what other people expect of you; they are utterly different. Duty is a..."

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 21:37:00 -0400

“

Do not confuse “duty” with what other people expect of you; they are utterly different. Duty is a debt you owe to yourself to fulfill obligations you have assumed voluntarily. Paying that debt can entail anything from years of patient work to instant willingness to die. Difficult it may be, but the reward is self-respect.

But there is no reward at all for doing what other people expect of you, and to do so is not merely difficult, but impossible. It is easier to deal with a footpad [a thief] than it is to deal with a leech who wants “just a few minutes of your time, please - this won’t take long.” Time is your total capital, and the minutes of your life are painfully few. If you allow yourself to fall into the vice of agreeing to such requests, they quickly snowball to the point where these parasites will use up 100 percent of your time - and squawk for more!

So learn to say no - and to be rude about it when necessary.

Otherwise you will not have time to carry out your duty, or to do your own work, and certainly no time for love and happiness. The termites will nibble away your life and leave none of it for you.

This rule does not mean that you must not do a favor for a friend, or even a stranger. But let the choice be yours. Don’t do it because it is “expected” of you.

”

- Robert Heinlein

Beware of an obsession with over-achievement

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 10:12:06 -0400

Sometimes, enough is enough, if you want to enjoy your life

Are you running yourself into the ground, always looking for that elusive something that will make you happy? Is whatever you have — money, possessions, power, fame — only the basis for getting more? Are you feeling trapped by life, rather than liberated

Do you take the time to stop and look at where you are; or are you constantly trying to get somewhere else? The minute that you reach some goal you’ve set yourself, is your first instinct to set a new one? Is your life lived in a whirlwind of striving and haste, rather than taken at a slower, more gentle pace — more reverent towards the business of living.

For too many people, every achievement is no sooner reached than discarded. You’ve done that; on to the next goal — and hurry!

Stopping to consider whether this style of life will make you contented, let alone fulfilled, should be a priority for you. A life committed to constant over-achievement is no life at all.

I want to raise two questions about this view of life:

Why do people behave like this?
Is there an alternative besides “dropping out?”

It’s easy to push too hard
If you constantly push yourself to succeed, the result may be precisely what’s described above. Once reached, every goal loses its value. You’ve been there, you’ve done it, and you no longer feel it’s good enough. You’re not even sure it was what you intended. Any way you look at it, it no longer counts for anything.

This is sad. Enjoying what you’ve achieved is one of the great pleasures of life. Does it make sense to spend hours preparing a gourmet meal, only to throw it away as soon as it’s ready? Don’t you want to savor it?

If you discount each achievement the moment it’s reached, what effect does that have on those you work with, your family, colleagues, friends? Imagine a child coming home from school elated by some success, only to hear his or her parents rush straight from “well done” to setting another, tougher goal. “Okay, you did that. Big deal. What we expect now is …”

Far fetched? Not really. That’s exactly how many people behave, and it’s all too easy to fall into the same pattern — always striving for that perfect answer; and when it doesn’t appear, feeling that you’ve lost your way and need to try harder. Achieve — even surpass — your current target and you’ll be on to a new target — bigger, tougher, less achievable.

Life is there to be lived
If you don’t truly live your life, what are you getting out of it? If you don’t savor success, why bother? Living means enjoying what you do: getting the most you can out of every moment and ensuring that each action or event delivers all it can to add to the sum of your experiences.

Slow down.
Take some time to enjoy each success as it arrives.
Celebrate and enjoy each achievement.
Savor the pleasure of a job well done.
Say “well done” to yourself and to those around you; and say it as if you mean it.

When you’ve enjoyed to the full what you worked hard to achieve, then — and only then — think about moving on. No pleasure lasts forever, but you need that time of reflection before you start to focus on recreating the pleasure by setting a new goal.

Over-active achievement drive can be tamed. All it takes is time and the patience to engage in genuine appreciation before moving on.

http://www.slower-living.org/?p=224

"Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be..."

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 16:13:24 -0500

“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them - that only creates sorrow...."

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 16:06:22 -0500

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”

- Lao-Tzu

"Think of life as a game in which we juggle five balls labeled Work, Family, Health, Friends and..."

Sat, 23 Feb 2008 09:52:05 -0500

“Think of life as a game in which we juggle five balls labeled Work, Family, Health, Friends and Integrity. One day, you understand Work is a rubber ball. You drop it and it bounces back. The other four balls are made of glass. Drop one of those, and it will be irrevocably marked, scuffed, nicked and maybe even shattered.”

- James Patterson

How to Test-Drive Friends and Irritate People

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 17:07:12 -0500

Sometimes you need to make friends and influence people. Other times, you should just test drive them and push their buttons.

The art of irritation can, in fact, be just as valuable as the art of persuasion. How so? Let’s start with the problem: people are good liars and actors… up to a point.

What if it were possible to fast-forward relationships, whether with new friends, business partners, or romances? To get past the honeymoon facade of niceties and see their true tendencies underneath all it all?

I’ve been experimenting with methods of “removing the mask” so-to-speak, and it can be done. Relationships cost a premium of attention and time, and I—like most–want people in my life whose real personalities and motives will uplift and strengthen me instead of drain and demoralize me.

Catching bad apples early begins with recognizing a truism:

Adversity doesn’t primarily build character—it reveals it…

Therefore, by putting someone under pressure or in an adverse situation, you can pull back the covers and get a glimpse of what’s in store a few weeks or months down the line.

The little things are the big things. Josh Waitzkin, 8-time national chess champion (and the subject of the film, “Searching for Bobby Fischer”) explores the surprisingly accurate cross-referencing of behavior in his book, The Art of Learning:

“As I moved into my late teenage years, many of my tournaments were closed, invitational events where ten to fourteen very strong players gathered for two-week marathons. These were psychological wars… It was during these years that I began to draw the parallels between people’s life tendencies and their chessic dispositions. Great players are, by definition, very clever about what they show over the chessboard, but, in life’s more mundane moments, even the most cunning chess psychologists can reveal certain essential nuances of character. If, over dinner, a Grandmaster tastes something bitter and faintly wrinkles his noes, these might be an inkling of a tell lurking. Impatience while standing on line at the buffet might betray a problem sitting with tension. It’s amazing how much you can learn about someone when they get caught in the rain! Some will run with their hands over their heads, others will smile and take a deep breath while enjoying the wind. What does this say about one’s relationship to discomfort? The reaction to surprise? The need for control?”

Here are a few options for doing your own behavioral cross-referencing with a new potential friend, partner, or mate. All of them happen naturally over time, and the concept is to pick/create circumstances here and there to get an advanced read. Before you label me a bastard, read the whole post:

1. Meet them for dinner or lunch at an appointed time, and indicate upon their arrival that you made a mistake and set the reservation for 30 minutes prior. See how they respond to the change in plans. (Testing: how they contend with mistakes on your part)

2. Same as 1, but tell them that the reservation was accidentally made for 30 minutes after their arrival. Alternatively, travel with them and purposefully orchestrate things so that you miss a bus or train. Obviously, you then fix the problem and cover costs. (Testing: how they deal with waiting and unexpected changes in plans)

3. Take them to a restaurant with good food but bad service. (Testing: how diplomatically they contend with and resolve incompetence, which is the default mode of the universe)

4. Invite them to an event or function and then profusely apologize when you realize you’ve forgotten your wallet. Offer to repay them later or treat them the next time out. (Testing: how they relate to money issues. Wonderful people sometimes turn into irrational monsters as soon as even a few dollars are involved. It drives me crazy to keep a running ledger of who owes whom for a few dollars here and there, especially in social settings. Repaying the favor is mandatory, but dwelling on differences of pennies is tiring.)

5. Take them somewhere extremely crowded where they’ll be inadvertently bumped, preferably where they are exposed to people of different races and of lower socio-economic classes. Large outdoor markets are good, as are subways during rush hour. (Testing: biases against specific races and social classes, which are usually fast to emerge after there is any physical contact.)

6. Explore the most controversial topics until you find something the two of you disagree on. Ask them to explain why people have the opposing viewpoint. I use this mostly for potential romantic partners and potential travelmates. (Testing: how well they listen and both consider and summarize points-of-view or feelings opposite their own. I always look for both friends and girlfriends who fight well. Not in the physical sense, but in the intellectual and emotional sense. If I travel with one of my best friends for even a week straight, there will be times when we butt heads and fight. It’s inescapable. In those cases, are they civil and good at listening and finding compromises? Good at identifying common ground, picking their battles, and laughing off the unimportant? Or, do they lose control of their emotions and make hurtful personal attacks or generalizations? Do they use guilt or other negative emotions instead of taking time to discuss things logically? Hold grudges?)

Needless to say, I’m not recommending you cram all of these into a single meeting (not unless you want a punch in the mouth), but the premise is simple: life is both too long and too short to suffer through toxic relationships. The sooner we have an accurate read on someone, the better.

Rather than hoping for the best and getting trapped in relationships you are unwilling to end due to guilt and inertia, you can test drive using a few specific situations and get a taste of what’s in store. I realized how revealing the above scenarios were while traveling, as they came up organically with the inevitable mix-ups and occasional bouts of bad luck. The question then became: can you go about glimpsing someone’s true personality in a more reliable way? That said, there is no need to orchestrate bad service at a restaurant, for example, if you can achieve the same end doing something fun but uncontrolled. A good long weekend of getting lost with someone will reveal most of the character you need to see. Just ensure you expose them to adverse conditions or awkward situations.

Most people spend more time planning their weekends than their relationships. Don’t make that mistake. You are the average of the 5 or so people you associate with most.

Choose wisely.

http://www.fourhourworkweek.com/blog/2007/11/15/how-to-test-drive-friends-and-irritate-people/

10 Tips for Life’s Greatest Challenge: Love Thy Enemy

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 14:54:00 -0500

“It is easy enough to be friendly to one’s friends. But to befriend the one who regards himself as your enemy is the quintessence of true religion. The other is mere business.” - Gandhi

Whether you’re Christian or not, there’s something in the teachings of Jesus that is worth contemplation, for anyone who seeks to be a better person: his urging that we love our enemies.

Not just “Love Thy Neighbor”, which in itself can be a difficult thing.

But “Love your enemies”. That’s a powerful message, and it turns out, one of the greatest challenges in life.

Why is this message an important one, even if you’re not a Christian? I’m not here to discuss Christian teachings, but to address universal problems found in every human being, no matter what your religion or non-religion. And this is a universal problem: the hatred we feel for other people, hatred that wells up inside of us and causes destructive actions, for people who might have harmed us in some way but in the end are fellow human beings who we must live with in a common society.

And it’s an idea that was taught not only by Christ, but by Buddha, Gandhi, and many other great people and religions.

This still might sound a bit grand or preachy, so let me bring this down to an everyday level: is there anyone in your life who you hate or just can’t stand? Maybe someone who just irritates you to no end, who you resent and feel bitterness towards? And if so, are you proud of that? Does it make you happy?

I’d submit that most of us have someone like that, in many cases multiple people in our lives who cause us anger or hatred or at least resentment, for something they’ve done in the past. I’d also submit that the anger, hatred and resentment that lives within us is destructive and counterproductive.

Let’s explore these ideas a little more, if you’re interested.

What Does “Love Your Enemy” Mean?

Well, it’s probably pretty self-explanatory, but I thought it would be good to be clear.

“Your enemy” doesn’t just mean the enemy of your state, of course. We’re not talking about terrorists or the French (kidding!) … we’re talking about people you really dislike, in any way.

Who are these people? Maybe someone who has picked on you or called you names or disrespected you in some way, causing you anger … maybe you hold a grudge against them. Maybe a family member you’ve had a big fight with … maybe you’ve been angry at them for some time. Maybe someone who did something horrible to a loved one, from physically hurting them to hitting them with a car to scarring them from a damaging relationship. Maybe a teacher or a coworker or a boss who is mean to you. You get the picture.

And what does it mean to love these people? Obviously it’s non-romantic love, but there’s lots of different kinds of non-romantic love. There’s the love you have for your children, your siblings, your parents, your best friends … all of these are different in some way. Then there’s the love you have for someone who just did something wonderful for you, whether that’s someone you know or a complete stranger. There’s the love for a child you’ve never met but who somehow pulls at your heartstrings. There’s the love for your fellow human beings — and this is the love I mean.

Have you ever felt non-sexual, non-romantic love for another person who is not a family member or a very close friend? Maybe they did something really nice for you or another person. Maybe you are just feeling really great about humanity right now, for whatever reason. Maybe this is an incredible human being who inspires you or changes lives or volunteers to help the powerless. To “Love Your Enemy” is to find it in your heart to put aside any wrongs, and to love them as a fellow human being. You don’t have to love them like you love your parents or children or best friend. Just have loving feelings toward them … and if possible, express it through words, or by doing something nice, or with a smile.

It’s not easy, I know. Picture the person you dislike most, and see if it’s easy to find that love for them.

Imagine someone who murdered someone you love. That would certainly be an “enemy”. Could you find it in your heart to love that person? I know that would be the most difficult thing in my entire life … which brings up the question: “Why should I?”

“The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.” - Mother Teresa

Why Should I Love My Enemy?

It might sound too corny for many of you, and if so, you might not even be reading this by now. That’s OK. This idea might not be for everyone. After all, this person, my “enemy”, has done something horribly wrong to me … why on earth would I want to love them? What do I get out of it? This isn’t an easy question, and I won’t be able to explore all the possible answers — that would take a book. But let’s look briefly at a few strong reasons:

You’ll be happier. If you have anger or resentment inside of you, even if you don’t think about it all the time, there will be times when it surfaces. And that makes you unhappy. It’s destructive, inwardly (it eats you up) and outwardly (you might do destructive things to others). That anger also affects others around you, such as your loved ones, who are most likely affected in some way when you are angry — even if the anger isn’t directed at them. Removing this anger from yourself is a positive thing, and it will make you happier overall.

You could change that person’s life. Your enemy is a human being, and it’s very possible that your hatred of that person is a source of grief, tension, or hatred in them. Now, that might feel good to you in a vindictive way, but if you look at it objectively, removing your feelings from the situation … hurting another person is always a bad thing. Making them happier is a good thing. And interestingly, making someone happier, no matter who that is, can make us happier.

You could make a friend. One of the most powerful effects of learning to love your enemy is that your enemy can become your friend. And while it is counterproductive to be fighting with an enemy (it hinders your progress), it is very productive to add new friends to your life — they can help you accomplish things, for example. A new friend, instead of an enemy, makes an incredible difference. And if that enemy is a family member or former friend, reuniting can be extremely powerful and important.

You set a better example for others. Our actions set an example for other people in our lives. If you have children, for example, they learn from anything you do. Teaching them to hate is not a positive example. But teaching them to overcome that anger and hate, to make up with an enemy, and to love … there is no better example in life.

It’s better for society. This one seems obvious to me, but it’s important. One little relationship might not seem to make a difference to society as a whole — who cares if I hate another person? But if we all hate other people, it creates a more divisive and fractured and angry society. I see the effects of this everywhere, from media and culture to politics to business to families being disrupted. And the opposite is true — if we can overcome that hatred, and learn to love our neighbor and our enemy, society is better of in so many ways.

It’s a test of you as a person. This might not be important to many people, but for me it is. I like to think of myself as a good person, but how good am I if I am just loving to my family and friends? That’s extremely easy (usually). But a better test of your goodness is if you can overcome feelings of hatred or resentment, and turn them into feelings of love. That’s a true challenge. And it’s a life-long challenge.

“Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.” - Martin Luther King Jr.

10 Tips For Loving Your Enemy

So let’s say you think it’s a worthy goal … how do you actually go about it? I can’t claim to know all the answers. I’ve been working on this myself, and exploring these ideas in my life … but I have not overcome this challenge. I’ve made progress, and I’m proud of that … but I have a long way to go. However, here are some things I’m working on myself … I hope they can be of some use to you:

Stop, breathe, detach yourself. When you think about your “enemy”, you most likely have feelings of anger or something along those lines. Instead of letting those feelings overcome you and determine your actions, stop yourself. Be aware of the feelings. Take a deep breath (or ten) and take a step back. Now see if you can detach yourself. Imagine yourself floating out of your body and looking down on the situation as an objective observer. You are no longer you. This person has no longer done anything to you or someone you love … they’ve done it to someone else. Seeing the situation objectively is the first step — it’s too difficult to overcome the feelings if you’re in the middle of the situation.
Put yourself in their shoes. Now that you’ve removed yourself from the situation, and you’re looking down on it from above … try going down into the other person’s body and head. Imagine yourself becoming that person. What is that person like, from inside? How did they get to be the person they are? What have they gone through? Why would they possibly have done what they did? And how did they feel about it? You’ll have to use your imagination. But try to imagine this person as a real human being, not just someone who is evil or wrong. All human beings try to do good things, but they make mistakes, or they have different perspectives. Seeing the situation from the other person’s perspective is very difficult, but very important.
Seek to understand. That, of course, is the objective of putting yourself in their shoes. But it’s important to stress it here, because if you can understand what they did and why they did it, you can take the next steps (below). Really try to understand, even if you don’t want to.
Seek to accept. Instead of fighting what has happened and who this person is, and wanting them to be different or to do things differently … accept them for who they are. Accept what has happened as a part of life. Accept that things can’t be different, because they have already happened. Accept that this person can’t be different, because that’s who they are. This, too, is a very difficult step, but if we cannot accept, we cannot love.
Forgive, and let the past go. Ah, maybe the most difficult step of all, but I’m sure you saw this coming. Can you truly forgive this person for what they’ve done, in your heart? If you’ve detached yourself, you’ve sought to understand, and you’ve accepted them and what has happened … it should be easier. Try to think about this: what happened is in the past. It cannot be changed. You can either hate what’s happened in the past, and change nothing but be angry … or you can accept it and move on. Let it go. It will do nothing but eat you up. Once you’ve let go of the past … let go of your feelings about what this person has done. Move on. Those feelings can do you no good.
Find something to love. If you can forgive, and release those bad feelings … you are left with neutrality, most likely. You want to replace that with love. And how do you do this? You find something in that person to love. It could be anything … their smile, their willingness to help someone, their generosity, their stubbornness even. Find something admirable or lovable. There’s something like that in everyone. You might have to get to know that person better, which in itself can be difficult.
See them as yourself, or a loved one. If the above step proves too difficult, it is probably because you don’t know that person well enough. Instead, project yourself into them. See them as similar to yourself in some ways. Or think of them as similar in some way to a loved one — and use those similarities to find something to love.
Find common ground. We have things in common with just about everyone, if we look hard enough. That might be common interests, shared or common experiences while growing up or working, people you know or love in common, personality traits in common. This common ground will help you relate to the person better.
Open your heart. Another very difficult step. Our hearts tend to remain closed to most people, as a defensive mechanism. We are afraid of being vulnerable, of getting rejected or hurt. And yet, this closing off of our hearts is what blocks us from happiness many times, what blocks us from forming relationships, what blocks us from loving and finding love. Even if we’re able to open our hearts to our loved ones but no one else … that’s limiting ourselves. This is a great challenge, and something that really can only happen with practice. Try it here, with your former enemy … even if you can just open your heart a little, that’s the only way you’ll find love for the person.
Reach out to them. It’s one thing to feel love for the person … but quite another to express it in some way. There are many ways to express love, of course — some ways you might consider are telling them, saying nice things to them, having an open discussion about what’s happened or your feelings, giving them a hug, doing something nice for them, smiling, making a joke.

What are your thoughts on this? Have you ever overcome this challenge? Share tips and thoughts in the comments.

“Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?” - Abraham Lincoln

http://zenhabits.net/2008/02/10-tips-for-lifes-greatest-challenge-love-thy-enemy/

Six Sources of Influence: Weight Loss

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 12:24:11 -0500

http://www.influencerbook.com/six_sources

Weight Loss

In his book, Mindless Eating: Why We Eat More Than We Think, Dr. Brian Wansink shows how we can marshal many of the six sources of influence to effectively lose weight:

Personal Motivation (Source 1) - Food preferences are strongly connected to past experiences. If you eat healthy food during enjoyable experiences, you can rewire the idea of comfort foods.
Personal Ability (Source 2) - According to Dr. Wansink, we make approximately two hundred food decisions a day. Harness the knowledge and skills that help identify how your environment affects your food decisions. This knowledge allows you to restructure your environment so you mindlessly eat healthier.
Social Motivation (Source 3) - Eating behavior is unconsciously affected by those eating around us. Studies show that pacesetters eating around us influence the rate and amount we eat. If they eat only one cookie, you’re more likely to eat only one. If they eat six, you’re more likely to eat six. So when eating in a group, sit next to people who tend to set a slower pace.
Social Ability (Source 4) - Dr. Wansink found that 72 percent of food choices are made by the nutritional gatekeeper of the house, the person who most often purchases and prepares the food. Get the nutritional gatekeeper to make healthy food choices and more than half of your decisions are made for you.
Structural Motivation (Source 5) - The Institute for Agriculture and Trade Policy reports that the cost of fruits and vegetables has increased 40 percent since 1985, while the cost of fats and sugars has declined. Such monetary incentives drive people towards eating unhealthily. Rearrange your food budget with this in mind.
Structural Ability (Source 6) - If your bowl of chocolates is six feet away, you are 50 percent less likely to eat candy than if it’s in arm’s reach. If it’s not in the house, you probably won’t want it badly enough to go out and get it. If you set up your environment to work for you instead of against you, you don’t have to rely on willpower.

To find out more about Dr. Wansink’s work, go to: www.mindlesseating.org/

To find out more about the study conducted by The Institute for Agriculture and Trade Policy, see:

J. Putnam, J. Allshouse, and L.S. Kantor, U.S. Per Capita Food Supply Trends: More Calories, Refined Carbohydrates, and Fats, FoodReview 25, no. 3, Winter 2002.
Institute for Agriculture and Trade Policy, Food Without Thought: How U.S. Farm Policy Contributes to Obesity, November 2006.

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness..."

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 09:21:17 -0500

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness concerning all acts of initiative and creation. There is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too, all sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen events, meetings and material assistance which no one could have dreamed would have come their way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now!”

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

How To Make Yourself INSANELY Useful

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 17:09:38 -0500

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/how-to-make-yourself-insanely-useful.html

All of us want to be useful to others in some way. We want to feel needed, competent — like we’re making a difference, in some small way.

Some people, though, are insanely useful. They are the go-to people whenever someone needs help. They’re the people that make us feel useful because we know them — when someone needs something done, we can say “Oh, I know just the person!”

It’s not necessarily that they’re smarter, better connected, or more competent — what makes someone insanely useful is their attitude. The not only help, but they make the people they help feel better about themselves, not worse. Needing help makes us feel vulnerable and worthless — insanely useful people counteract that and leave us feeling enriched.

Here are a few things you can do to make yourself insanely useful:

Share what you know: Be open with people about your strengths and knowledge. Let people know that you have special skills and that you can help when they’re in a jam. Lots of people know how to do things, but don’t bother telling anyone else — which is about the same as not knowing it at all, since when their special skills are needed, nobody knows to ask them and whatever it is that needs doing doesn’t get done (or gets done badly).
Be confident in yourself: Know that what you know is needed and valuable — and that nobody’s going to reject a helping hand in their time of need. When we lack confidence, we make excuses for not helping, because we’re afraid to put ourselves on the line.Insanely useful people don’t make excuses — they jump in and do things to the best of their ability.
Solve the current problem: Help people with the immediate problem they’re facing, without questioning the judgment that got them into trouble and without worrying about the problems that lie down the road. In a moment of crisis, lend your efforts to resolving the crisis. Once the problem is solved, you can offer your advice for the future or your evaluation of the situation — in a way that makes people stronger, not weaker. Remember, neither you nor they can fix the problem they had last week, last month, or last year; the best you can do is offer some advice for avoiding those problems in the future.
Give willingly — even when it’s your job: We always remember (and seek out) the people who went “the extra mile” in helping us. We also remember (and try to avoid) the people who helped us grudgingly, because they had to. Show through your actions that it’s your pleasure to help — even when (maybe especially when) you’re being paid for your time.
Satisfy your own curiosity: Look on each opportunity to help out as a chance to learn something new, to expand your own knowledge and competency.
Listen to others: People’s inability to do something often causes them real emotional pain; listen to them, both to provide a shoulder but also to let them let you know what they’ve tried and where they think they went wrong. This gives them an opportunity — and it shows that you value their efforts. Think of how demeaning it is when you call customer service with a complex computer problem and they tell you to check if the power’s on — it feels bad when the people helping us belittle the knowledge we do have and assume we’re too stupid to handle even the basics.
Don’t take over: It can be tempting to push someone out of the way and just do it yourself. This almost inevitably makes people feel bad. Whenever possible, work with them and show that you value their expertise and perspective on the task at hand.
Know when to stop: Likewise, once an immediate problem is solved, turn it back over to the person you’re helping. Chances are, they know what to do once they get past the tricky part — give them a chance to demonstrate their own ability and talent.
Teach, don’t tell: As much as possible, explain what you’re doing and why. Leave the people you helped feeling a little bit better informed and more capable to handle the problem if it should arise again (or at least to identify it, if handling it is above their abilities). Don’t assume that because you’re the expert, you’re the only one who can understand what to do. (At the same time, be sensitive to things that really are beyond all but the experts — don’t make them feel dumb because they don’t understand a word you’re saying!)
Be sensitive to people’s feelings and shortcomings: I’ve said this several different ways already, but it bears repeating — help people feel better about the situation, not worse. Know that when people need help, it strikes deep at their sense of individual pride and competence. Don’t put them down in any way, and don’t let them put themselves down.
Ask for help: Give other people a chance to shine in their areas of expertise by asking for help when you need it. You don’t have to be good at everything to be insanely useful — build the sharing of assistance into your relationships with other people by letting them be useful when they can.
Model best practices: Show through your actions what it means to be open and available to help others. Be open about how you do things so that others can learn by emulating you.
Be reliable: Once you commit to helping someone out, follow through. Never let yourself feel that because you’re doing someone a favor, they have to accept it on your terms. This demonstrates that you have the power in the relationship and makes them feel even weaker and more vulnerable than they probably already do. It might get the job done in the end, but it won’t make you insanelyuseful.

Being useful, even insanely useful, doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be used. It means offering what you can, when you can, and doing so gladly. This applies whether you’re doing favors for friends, working with a team at work, writing instructions, or anything else — set limits, but within those limits, be wholly available.

Lots of people are useful — they do the things they need to do, solve the problems they need to solve, and keep things chugging along.People that are insanelyuseful are in high demand by the companies they work for, the organizations they take part in, the clients they serve, their friends and family, and society in general because they not only solve problems and make things work but they add value to every relationship they take part in.

Who do you know that’s insanely useful? What have you learned from them in your own life? Let us know!

Upheaval: A Field Guide

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 11:39:08 -0500

http://christinekane.com/blog/upheaval-a-field-guide/

Here are five ideas for getting through upheaval. When you incorporate these ideas into your daily existence, you won’t need upheavals as growth catalysts. Your shifts will happen more smoothly and peacefully. You will be in alignment with the present moment.

If you’re deeply mucked in upheaval - you will most likely not be able to hold onto these perspectives continuously. Just keep reminding yourself of them when you have clear moments…

idea #1: see yourself as powerful

I have a mentor who would take one look at our pop-quiz situation and say, “Wow! Look at how powerful you are! Look at the shift you manifested in your life!” She would love you and be compassionate, but there’s no way she would see you as a victim. Nor would she see the ex as a perpetrator.

Some people get very triggered by this approach. They see it as cold-hearted. I see it as bold and liberating. If you were powerful enough to create the situation (even unconsciously) - then you are powerful enough to grow through it. And you are powerful enough to create something even better. Approach upheaval from the perspective that you created it - no blame, fault, guilt or shame allowed.

idea #2: avoid asking “why?”

“Why did this happen to me?” is not an empowering question. It implies that there is some overseeing force that plays you like the shoe in Monopoly. No outside entity is choreographing your life so that you can be in pain. Most likely, the “perpetrator” in this situation was doing the very best that he/she could in the moment. “Why” rarely brings answers. Maybe, in time, you can answer the question yourself. Maybe you’ll arrive at a place where you can translate the situation. But avoid “Why” when you’re freshly upheaval-ed.

idea #3: ask empowering questions

There are five questions to ask yourself when you’re experiencing upheaval.

1 - What have I been praying for?

We don’t have to be on our knees to pray. Like many, I believe that every thought we think is a prayer. Our intents are prayers.

So, then, what have you been wishing for, desiring, or intending? Sometimes you’ll find that upheaval is actually the answer to the very thing you said you wanted. Sometimes answers come in paradox.

2 - What was my role in this? (How did I bring it about? What messages have I been ignoring?)

Maybe you haven’t prayed at all. Maybe question #1 feels stupid because the upheaval you’re experiencing has nothing to do with anything you want. Maybe you are insisting that you had no role in it. Maybe it came completely out of nowhere and blind-sided you.

Remember that asking about your role in the situation is not the same thing as “finding fault” or “blaming yourself.” This question is designed to help you to find your blind spots, your unconsciousness, the ways you “check out” of situations, the ways you ignore your intuition or live on auto-pilot.

3 - How can I grow from this?

There are always ways to grow from any upheaval. Life is never static or stuck.

4 - How could I stay stuck if I let myself?

It’s good to know your temptations and your tendencies to revert to old mindsets for two reasons.

The first is so that you can simply be aware of your resistance. When this voice speaks up, you don’t have to be afraid that it’s the absolute truth. You can see it for what it is.

The second is that you can figure out ways to take care of this part of you. If you simply try to stuff this voice, then it might show up and try to manifest itself in unhealthy ways. However, if you let it have a voice, then you can recognize it when it arises. On a bad day, you can rent movies or head to the batting cages to blow off steam. Self-care is an important part of healing.

5 - If my life is speaking to me, what is it saying?

In Oprah Winfrey’s “Live Your Best Life” Journal, she says,

“There is a real pattern to the way your life is speaking to you. A whisper becomes a message. The message becomes a lesson. Unheeded, that lesson turns into a problem. And if you let it, that problem will likely become a full-blown crisis.”

So, if you’re experiencing upheaval, what is your life saying to you? Only you can answer this question, and it might take some time to find that answer.

idea #4 - reaffirm your intent often

Use your intent like a compass. Let it point you in your intended direction, rather than staying stuck in the muck. Keep reminding yourself of your desired outcome - whether it is clarity, happiness, peace, abundance, self-love. Remember that energy flows where attention goes. Keep your attention on your intention.

idea #5 - have faith

Probably the most challenging thing about going through a life change is to have faith that there is some design, that things will move towards healing, and that good will come out of this. It’s easy to think, “Maybe I was better off in that unhealthy situation. At least I had something! Now I don’t know what I have!” This is where you learn to have faith. In the same way that you build courage by doing courageous things, you build faith by living from faith.

What Can We Learn From Children?

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 11:34:00 -0500

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/what-can-we-learn-from-children.html

A lot! Although most of the time they seem like little devils, children are true angels that teach us a lot about how we can better our life. Yes, most of the time they don’t have a clue as to what they are doing, but unknowingly and without a clue they allow us to explore things that we tend to forget as we grow into adulthood.

There is a reason we call them a gift from god. They allow us to better our life, see the good things in life and just take each day with a smile. Watching my own kids I have been able to learn some things that has helped me take a new look on life itself. I would like to share some of the things I have learned from them on this post.

What Day Is It?

Everyday a child wakes up, it’s a new day for him, a whole new world to explore. The curiosity to find out new things, the enthusiasm, the energy with the start of each new day is just breathtaking.

We as adults have seem to lost this energy, curiosity and enthusiasm. This is one thing we could definitely learn from children to make our life better and manage it well. Starting each day with a smile can change the way we do things on that particular day. So next time you wake up just think of yourself as a 5 year old child, your day will start out better, you will have a smile on your face and the energy and enthusiasm restored during your sleep will be ready to take off. It’s a new day, It’s a new world. Explore the possibilities!

Can I Do It My Way?

Sometimes the best way to do things is to do it differently. Have you ever watched a 3-year old try and do things? It’s different isn’t it? I am not sure what goes into a 3-year old’s mind but it seems like they usually get what they want, and most of the time because they took the route we adults usually hesitate to.

Sometimes breaking the rules helps. The “Do Not Rock The Boat”phrase doesn’t apply to children as they are always ready to rock the boat and try to get things done. We adults seem to be so engaged in doing things a certain way, we tend to forget that there are other ways to get things done. Learn from the children and break the rules every once in a while, as long as you can get something done effectively without any adverse effects.

Are We There Yet?

Probably one of the most annoying questions they ask while you are trying to get somewhere, but there is a different way to look at it as well. What is it that drives a child to ask these question time aftertime when going to their grandparents or to a children show? It’s the passion, the desire, the curiosity as to what might be different than last time.

We need to ask these questions to ourselves every once in a while.Are we there yet? It might be a business we want to start or a project that we want to get done, but how exactly are we going to get there? The answer lies within you and only you. Next time you get into a comfort zone with your business just take some time to ask yourself, “Am I there yet?” If not, try a different route, take a different approach and rock the boat and get to your destination – faster!

Can I Have It?

Next time you put your hands on your head and wonder why you can’t have what you want, remember what you just told your child. Every time you are walking by a toy aisle at a store, your child yells “Mom, can I have it?” You say “No!” What does the child do? He sits, maybe cries for a couple minutes and then simply forgets.

Although there are a lot of things we would like to achieve, like that million dollar mansion and a private jet, it doesn’t necessarily mean we deserve or need it. We don’t always get what we want. Life goes on and it’s just another day. So forget what you don’t have and focus on what you do. Just look at the child sitting in your cart who was crying minutes ago, he is now smiling and playing with the toy he brought from home. We need to realize we can’t have everything, a child learns it from us and we need to learn it from them. It’s a cycle!

I have been fortunate to have four children. Yes, it is a constant struggle and I have become a time and management juggler but they are the ones who teach me the most valuable lessons in life. They are the best teachers, the perfect mentors! I am looking forward to more years of learning from them — I have got a lot to soak up!

The secret to living well that too few people know

Sat, 26 Jan 2008 17:33:00 -0500

http://www.slower-living.org/?p=190

Giving up resentment and revenge are the keys to a better (and happier) life

Resentment is a form of reciprocal behavior: I’ll do to you what you did to me. It’s nursing a grudge and waiting until an opportunity occurs to pay the other person back in kind. During that time, the real or imagined insult grows ever larger through constant repetition in the mind; and although resentment isn’t a spectacular emotion, it’s long-lasting and easily becomes a way of life. When that happens, it blocks all possibility of successful and healthy relationships.

Resentment is becoming endemic in many parts of society. ”Don’t get mad, get even” is part of everyday behavior for many people. But the Rule of Reciprocal Behavior says bad actions produce others still worse. When people feel resentment, they draw back into [/tag]defensiveness[/tag] to avoid the possibility of still more hurt. Good performance, good relationships and good living become impossible.

Since resentment is also an entirely negative emotion, nothing productive ever comes from it, while it easily progresses into more violent states like anger, hatred and cruelty. People hurt by others often inflict identical hurt of their own in a vicious circle. The abused child becomes a child abuser. The despised failure seeks weaker people to despise. The bullied employee becomes a bullying manager.

Resentment causes us to become ever more sensitive to the behaviors we resent, so that we continually find further sources of resentment and still harsher ways to hit back. It reveals itself in petty cruelties, pointless obstructions and childish acts of sabotage. When you inquire into the causes of the resentment, you mostly find multiple acts of unkindness and cruelty. Managers, browbeaten by their superiors in the all-out demand for ever higher profits, take to crushing their own subordinates with similarly impossible demands. Afraid of losing their jobs, people plot to put others in the firing line.

Turning things around

The Golden Rule exhorts us to treat others as we would like to be treated ourselves. The Rule of Resentment seems to be a direct perversion of it, causing us to treat others as badly we were treated — or even worse.

Yet this type of reciprocal behavior — doing to others what was done to us — also holds good forpositive situations and responses. People treated kindly are more likely to be kind to others. People who are helped and encouraged become helpers in their turn.

If bigotry and scorn breed ever greater negativity, tolerance, openness and honesty produce their own harvest of growth and mutual support. In place of the vicious cycle of carping and frustration, it’s possible to set up a cycle of ever more positive behaviors.

When people consider ethical behavior and ask “What’s in it for me?” the Rule of Reciprocal Behavior gives the answer: unethical, unkind behavior is a potent source of resentment and will nearly always provoke an unethical and unkind response. The most effective response to unkindness is to ignore it or respond positively.

If you want to be treated kindly and ethically by others, you must start by being ethical yourself.

Mostly, we don’t act this way. We imagine that refusing to pay back a hurt or an insult makes us sound weak and put upon. That leads to an unwillingness to think independently and look beyond what’s generally accepted. It produces people who take revenge on others, not because it’s the right thing to do, but because everyone else does.

Truly kind and thoughtful people are anything but predictable in this way. They question the whole notion of “paying others back” in kind. Instead, they look deeply into the causes of negative behavior, finding there past experiences that produced hurt and unhappiness. That’s why they continually try to reduce the sources of cruelty and malice by refusing to respond to hurt by inflicting hurt in return.