MMM: On Miscommunications… [Sonya Derian]
“Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation.” - Lao Tzu
It was an interesting lesson.
I thought I was communicating one thing, meaning one thing. My friend heard me communicating something else, meaning something else. Both of us were right.
There is communication, what one hears in the communication. And then there is interpretation.
I have not prized myself on my communication skills. While I might write eloquently in my memos, it’s because I have time on my side and know the skillful art of editing.
But I tend to talk like I think, and having the very Sagittarius trait of straight talk, I sometimes put my foot in my mouth. I have been told (more than once) to take advantage of “The Ten Second Pause”.
But not having mastered this skill, and having made my share of mistakes, I’ve had consequences to pay.
I’m guessing I’m not alone in this?
So, what happens when we screw up? When our best intentions don’t cut it? When we, admittedly DO make mistakes that cost us friends, partners, relatives, business associates?
One of the things that I learned early on is that a lot of what we communicate is miscommunicated. Either we don’t mean what we say. Or we don’t say what we mean. Or we don’t communicate altogether - we just act out - which is another kind of communication altogether. And we start young!
When I was in the third grade, I was terrorized by two twins in my class, Marco and Eddy. They would call me names, follow me around and taunt me. In class, they would roll up little paper balls and shoot them out of a straw to get my attention.
I didn’t know what they wanted from me. I was afraid of them.
When I talked to their older sister to ask her what I had done, she told me that I didn’t do anything.
Her brothers just had a crush on me.
A crush? What? But then wouldn’t they be writing me love letters instead?
But even as adults. That’s what we do. We communicate ineffectively because communicating effectively would mean we had to be vulnerable, reveal a truth, disappoint someone, risk rejection, lay our cards on the table, sit with the silence, get the answer we may not want to hear.
Right?
And that is too scary.
Anyone relate?
But that’s okay because we all have our lessons in life and often times our challenges become our curriculum.
So, when I find myself having not communicated so well, I might ask myself a few questions.
Did I mean harm? Was I intentionally communicating to hurt someone?
Was I saying what I meant? And if not… why not? What was I not saying? Could I have said it better?
Is an apology in order? Is there a way to start over?
And if not, can I forgive myself? Even if it cost me the relationship?
Because the truth is we can only take care of our end of the communication and if we are wrong promptly admit it or try to communicate what our intentions were.
But we do not have any control over how someone else might interpret our attempts. And interpretations can be tricky business.
For example, the other day I was going to pick up a friend of mine. We were trying to get to a movie theater because we were meeting someone else there. I was running late so I called her to tell her this. She said she might need to leave without me and I might have to meet her at the theater. So I called her when I was at a certain street to let her know where I was and ask her if I needed to head to the theater. She said she would be home and to come by. I pulled in her driveway and called her again to tell her I was outside (third call within 10 minutes).
She answered the phone with: “Are you trying to drive me crazy?”
Now, we have a ten year relationship and we can get on each others nerves and tell each other so, but I thought I was being considerate, making sure she knew where I was in case she needed to leave before I got there.
She thought I was trying to drive her insane.
What are you going to do?
It reminded me of a point my sister made once. My sister has been married for 14 years and is a solid communicator. Whenever I have to practice diplomacy in a business relationship, I will contact her to get advice.
She told me that before I jumped to any conclusions about what someone intended, or what a situation meant - in other words, before I got myself into a tizzy based on my analysis or interpretation - to consider at least 5 other alternative perspectives. To try to see the bigger picture, or what might really be going on. In other words, to consider the history of the relationship.
Because my interpretation might just be short sighted.
Obviously from what I told you so far, I’m not going to tell you how to communicate effectively. I am still learning how to do it myself.
But I do know a basic tenet of deliberate creation that is responsible for all change and that is: Intention. Attention. No Tension.
If I intend to communicate effectively and pay attention to how I communicate, one day I will trust my communication style and there will be no tension.
I will say what I mean. I will ask for what I want. I will mean what I say.
And I will do it gracefully.
But it all takes practice. We have to know where we are weak in order to get strong. We have to identify what doesn’t work in order to find what does. We have to get clear on our desires before we can know what we’re trying to say.
Curriculum. Learning. Life.
But isn’t that why we’re here? For the experience of it? The joy, the pain, the love, the sorrow, the fun, the experience of it?
Who said we would come in, knowing all of this? Who said we wouldn’t have some hard knocks in order to learn a few things.
But even in that - it is in the interpretation. Who says that everything we experience can’t serve us at a later date?
I was reading Dale Carnegie’s classic book recently: How to Win Friends and Influence People (about communication). And in it, he talks about how he was a great debater. That he lived for winning arguments. He taught debate and argumentation in New York City and was even going to write a book about the subject. But after having engaged in thousands of arguments and being at the effect of them, he decided they didn’t work for him or anyone else. He changed course when he realized that most people didn’t effectively know how to get along with each other, himself included, and went out to research the subject to find out what he could. This resulted in a lecture series, and then this book that went on to sell millions of copies.
Had Dale Carnegie not faced challenges in his own communication style, he would not have written this classic that has changed so many lives.
Our mess becomes our message.
So, in essence, I guess what I’m trying to say is that there are no bad endings. Only courses, and then course corrections.
Life is a hard hat zone. We are always under construction. We are not who we were yesterday and we are not yet who we will be tomorrow.
We can forgive ourselves for not being perfect. Because we can have at it again, tomorrow.
Life is full of second chances. But all of life happens today.
In the becoming.
“Personal and business coach, Sonya Derian publishes her weekly Ezine Monday Morning Memos for people who want to find their “Om” and live their lives out loud. Sign up for her FREE weekly tips and receive your FREE report Om Freely: 30 Ways to Live Out Loud by visiting http://omfreely.com “
